What's your problem?
by GreenSmith
Summary: A battlefield story of a man from tennessee. rated t for some language! ITS FUNNY TOO!
1. Chapter 1

**What's your problem!?!?**

**Chapter 1 - There's a war?**

I'm not one of the smartest cookies in the world, especially the smartest in the US army. But you gotta admit when your best friend doesn't even know that a war is goin on, and he's deployed into it, its sad.

"Of course there's a war goin on!" I yelled "What you think were here for? Selling girl scout cookies?"

"Um well…. "Said Earl

"Well what?" I said back

"I thought we were deployed to just kill some important bad guys"

Bad guys? I thought, what does he think this is a video game?

"Now I know" he told me as we scrambled out of the jeep.

My name is John, John Seller, the world famous nobody from Tennessee. I am single and have only my brother, Carl and my mom, Caroline. I live alone, but unfortunately right down the street from my mom and my brother. Some people could call me a "hick" just because I have a strong accent and I live in Tennessee. I've got brown hair, blue eyes and big white smile. I can get any girl I want, its just every girl I've met isn't right for me in my opinion.

The reason I joined the US army was I wanted more meaning in my life. I wanted to defend our country, I wanted to be a war hero, I wanted to be known as "That hick that saved our country." Luckily my best friend Earl joined too; we were both deployed for the same war. I thought It was my big break, I really hoped so.

We got flown over seas to where we were deployed. I'll have to say some funny things happened, some good things happened too, but I have to say there was a whole mess of bad things to come along with em.

"Commander!" I said

"What do you want hill Billy" the big man said

"My name is John, not hill Billy and I wanted to know who we are takin' down first?"

"Who ever we find…" he replied

"Alrighty then" I said then I yelled back to Earl that we were goin against anyone we could find. I slowed down my pace so I could slow back down to talk to Earl.

"You nervous?" Earl spat out

"Are you kiddin'? I'm sweating like a dog."

"Good, someone that's not as scared as me" he said

I chuckled; I really was scared, I hadn't gone into a real battle before, with real people tryin to kill me.

"What the hell is that!" I saw something in the sky heading straight down toward us.

"It's a missile" said the commander in a "rush rush" sorta way.

Earl and I started running for our lives, we didn't care about tactics. We ran and ran.

"Scatter!" I heard the commander yell. I looked back and saw everyone running in every which way. Then it hit. We weren't that far away, and at that moment I thought "Five minutes into this war and I'm already dead." I heard Earl scream like a little girl, and I yelled "Bye mama!" And then it went black as I fell into unconsciousness or death. I hoped it was the first one…


	2. Chapter 2

**What's your problem!?!?**

**Chapter 2 – That's a Knee Slapper**

I woke up. I couldn't see nothing, my sight was so blurred I thought I saw someone in the distance lyin face down in the sand. I tried to yell to them but all that came out of my mouth was Slur... I tried to stand but I failed, I tried again and I started to walk and I fell flat on my face. I felt like my legs were made of jelly. I finally successfully stood up and started walking toward the person. As I kept walking my sight got clearer. I started smelling a nasty smell of carcass. I thought that as I kept walking the person lying down got further away. Then I looked behind me and found out all that painful walking was actually only about 6 feet. I attempted running but my legs started failing on me and I tripped but caught myself. I kept walkin' till I got there. Then I found out what the smell was. There in front of me lying face down was HALF of the commander. Yea HALF of him I scanned around and saw what I thought might be his legs. I didn't wanna find out. Then I remembered… EARL. I had to find him. If I lost him I don't know what I'd do. Then I saw a dune buggy drivin' across the sand toward me. I hit the ground in case it was an enemy. But then I thought "Why would there be a dune buggy, while there's a war going on. I saw someone driving, someone in shotgun, and a guy in the back. As they got closer I saw one of them was Earl. I stood up and waved my arms and yelled for him. They drove up next to me and Earl said " Hey Buddy, Jump in!"

I jumped in and I sat next to some other guy in the back "Hi I'm Carl" He said

"I'm John"

"Nice to meet cha" He said

The guy driving had a cowboy hat, he wasn't shaven, he had sun glasses, he was smoking a cigar and he smelled. He had a shotgun by his side, and a banjo on his back.

"I'm Lester" he said "You can call me Uncle Lester"

You could tell he's seen some things, done some stuff. You could also tell by his accent he was a Hill Billy like me and Earl. He told us his story:

"I live in the south, I've got a big family. I've got a gay niece named Ronny. I was enlisted in the army so I could get away from him. We did a lot of stuff, Me, Ronny, Wayne (Ronny's best friend), Ronny's Mother(My sister), Moe my son, and Bubba the butcher that sells meat in the library."

"What's the banjo for" I asked

"That's when you know, things are getting down" He answered

"Well, The commander died, does that mean you get to play" I said

"Sure I will tonight around a fire" He agreed

"Sounds Nice" I said

We all were talikin and playin some music while we were drivin. We kept drivin and drivin and drivin. I saw a few dead people lying in the desert while we were driving. I saw a few crashed jeeps to. I didn't really see anything interesting cept a desert spider. There huge and there bite is like acid. It burns the skin. If it bites deep enough, it might even burn to the bone. Then the song _Backwards_ came on. And all us hill billies were singing like there was no tomorrow. Well all we know there might not be. It started getting dark so we stopped. Uncle Lester took out a tent from the back of the buggy. Carl and him set it up while me and Earl started the fire. I put out the sleeping mats and a chair. Earl asked what is was for and I told him for a look out. We all sat down and Uncle Lester Brought out his banjo. He started playing and it was great. A while later everyone settled down and Uncle Lester stopped playing, the minute he stopped playing the banjo Earl fell asleep real fast. Me, Carl, and Uncle Lester talked a bit and waited for a while until we knew that Earl was fully asleep. Then Earl started snoring like a walrus, and we knew he was asleep. I got my canteen that had warm water and I pored some warm water into his palm. We waited a bit and it paid off cause we saw a wet spot form in Earls pants. There was a break in his snores like a cough and he woke up and said "What's going on!" and then he looked down, then in his hand, then at me. We all cracked up laughing and Uncle Lester said the words that would help get me threw the war

"That's a Knee Slapper!" Uncle Lester yelled as he slapped his knee and kept cracking up.

Everyone was cracking up and slappin there knees. Then Earl was laughing so hard he pissed himself AGAIN! Everyone laughed harder knowing that we made Earl Piss his pants twice in the same night. Everyone fell asleep, except me and Lester. Me and him decided to stay up and look out. I fell asleep though. That night I dreamed, and its weird cause I never dream. I dreamed that me and my mama were in a big house on the beach and my neighbors were, Earl, Uncle Lester, and Carl. There were tons of hot chicks everywhere. I think it might've been in California. But anyway we were all kissin girls and livin it up. But then a giant tsunami came and turned everything into a desert. Then terrorist surrounded us and shot my mama and my friends. I was scared. Then one of the terrorists took there turban face mask off and they were my mama, then all the rest took off there masks too. Then they threw a grenade at me and I blew in half. When I blinked I looked around and I was in my fourth grade class room naked. Everyone laughed at me. I felt embarrassed then I started falling and falling, and then I hit the sand. When I hit the sand I woke up sweating, my heart was beating fast, and I was shaking. I saw Lester look over at me and I told him I had a nightmare. He said that's alright and he said to go back to sleep. I fell asleep again and I was dreamless.

I woke up last the next morning. We all had some eggs and bacon, made from a fire. After that we packed up our supplies and got into the buggy. We sped away from our camp site. We went onto a road and drove for a few hours. Then we got to an abandon American Military base site. We parked and Uncle Lester got gas for the buggy. I looked in the tents, and there were slaughtered soldiers everywhere. I called to Earl. He took one look in that tent and about puked. Earl never was one to have a strong stomach. Uncle Lester came over and looked in the tents. It was the same story each tent. It looked like they'd all been shot to death. He thought it might be some soldiers that are rebelling against the American military. And not just soldiers but Commanders. That scared me; it reminded me of my dream. I knew none of these guys would be on the opposite side but anyone we run into could be an enemy even if they look like there in the American military. We stole some food and some med kits and left that place quick. No one talked for a while. But Uncle Lester broke the silence by breaking wind. We all laughed except for Earl. Earl was still paralyzed from the dead guys in the tents. He was real pale.

"It's a shame" Earl said grimly "How do you know that's what happened? What if they just got ambushed?"

"Because I escaped from the Commander that tried to kill me!" said Uncle Lester

Everyone got quiet.

"There's someone trailing us!" yelled Carl.

He Pointed behind us and sure enough there was an enemy jeep trailing us. They were shooting at us with there turret.

"Time to use some super ninja Hill Billy Moves" Said uncle Lester.

He made a giant u-turn and we sped fast we came up behind them and Uncle Lester pulled out his shotgun and handed it to Earl. Earl looked like a dumb nuts. Carl pulled out an M-16 and handed me a Desert Eagle. We pulled up along side them quick, Earl shot the SPAZ12 and hit a dude straight in the face. Blood spat out and he fell out the back. I shot my desert Eagle into one of there chests. He grabbed his chest and shot one of our wheels. We lost control and our buggy was freaking out. Carl shot his M16 at some of the guys. Uncle Lester Hit the break and we spun backwards. A couple of them leaped onto our buggy and tried to grab the wheel. Uncle Lester Whipped out his banjo and hit one straight in the face and he flew off. The other guy fell under our wheel. The three men left in the jeep came to our side as Uncle Lester tried to gain control. One of them shot Uncle Lester with a pistol in the shoulder and our buggy flew off of its course. Uncle Lester was serious now. He screamed at them and threw a frag grenade, right into the trunk. Uncle Lester jerked the wheel left, the explosion made our car flip a few times. Man when your in a dune buggy that flips, it HURTS. We all climbed out of the wreckage. We were all safe, but Uncle Lester. Uncle Lester had been shot in the shoulder. Carl inspected it and fixed it up with the med kits. Good thing he knew how to do that, cause no one else did.

We started walking on foot when all of the sudden another jeep appeared in the distance.

"Were Screwed" Said Earl.


End file.
